Mother’s Day: getting through the hardest holidays
Some days on the calendar are harder than others during fertility treatment, and Mother's Day is usually at the top of the list. The ads start weeks ahead. The brunch invitations arrive. Social media fills with tributes. For someone who wants to be a mother and isn't yet, it can feel like the whole world is celebrating the one thing she's still waiting for. And it's rarely just one day. The winter holidays, family birthdays, and quiet anniversaries can carry the same weight.
One thing to know: The lead-up is often harder than the day itself. The emails, store displays, and invitations start weeks early. That's why asking her ahead of time what she wants the day to look like matters more than anything you do on the day.
Which days can be hard
Mother's Day and Father's Day
Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, and other family-centered holidays
Halloween and other days built around kids
Her birthday, which can feel like another year gone
The anniversary of a loss, a failed cycle, or a due date that didn't happen
Family events like baptisms and first birthdays
What helps
1. Ask early
A week or two ahead, ask: "Mother's Day is coming up. What would make it easier this year?" Some people want to ignore the day completely. Some still want to celebrate their own moms. Some want to get out of town. You won't know until you ask.
2. Plan the day
An empty day leaves a lot of room for scrolling and dread. Plan something that has nothing to do with the holiday: a hike, a day trip, a movie, a project at home. Skip restaurants at brunch time, when every table is a celebration.
3. Take over the family logistics
If you're seeing either of your mothers, make it your job. Buy the cards and gifts, make the calls, and set the start and end times. If a full family gathering is too much, offer to visit on a different day, or go see your own mom by yourself.
4. Quiet the noise
Many brands now let you opt out of Mother's Day emails, and it takes a minute to do. Suggest a weekend off social media, and take it with her so she isn't doing it alone.
5. Acknowledge the day
Pretending it's a normal Sunday rarely works. A simple "I know today is hard, and I'm with you" goes a long way. If you've been through a loss, she may want that recognized, or she may not. Follow her lead, and if you're not sure, ask.
6. Have an exit plan
If you do go to a gathering, agree on a signal and a leaving time before you walk in. Drive yourselves so you can go when she needs to. If someone says "you'll be next," be the one who answers and changes the subject.
7. Let the plan change
She may feel fine in the morning and fall apart by the afternoon, or the other way around. Treat the plan as a starting point. Cancelling at the last minute is allowed.
What to say
"Mother's Day is coming up. What would make it easier this year?"
"We don't have to go. I'll call my mom and explain."
"I know today is hard. I'm not going anywhere."
The bottom line
You can't take these days off the calendar. You can make sure they don't catch her off guard, and that she doesn't face them alone. Ask early, make a plan together, and stay flexible when the day arrives.